The Ego Stroke of Being Asked Out Boosts Self-Esteem
That loving, longing look your way from a potential partner is flattering, but if you are craving attention, having missed it during the pandemic, you might be vulnerable. It’s ok to let your guard down, as long as it’s up by the second or third date. After all, it’s flattering to be wanted. Your confidence might be boosted when a compatible mate prospect wants to get to know you better. You’re flattered by the attention that comes your way, especially since humans crave touch, interaction, hugs, a desire to be desired. When the focus is on you, you might be caught up in the lovely and much deserved attention, especially if you’ve felt overshadowed by others, and finally it is your turn. The attention is welcome. One can get an ego stroke and even measure self-worth by how many people notice you when you are feeling attractive, especially in front of a potential suitor. Ideally, your suitor isn’t shallow, but initially, getting the wink and nod might be just what you need to lift spirits after a long time of not being noticed. However, once that suitor starts telling you what to wear for the next date, it may be time to distance again. While it is unusual, there are red flags even while on a first date that a person might watch for should a mate have a desire to control you to satisfy their own needs.
How Red Flags Appear in Life and in Fiction
In my novel, The Moments Between Dreams, the initial signal that something is awry comes in the first flashback. The protagonist Carol can’t control how tall she is; her beautiful long legs are God’s gift to her shape. When I was writing the scene, I recalled hearing a story from a male acquaintance about how he met his mate. He’d walk near an attractive woman and if he was taller than her, he’d consider asking her to dance. But in the fiction novel, Carol is sitting, so her potential dance partner doesn’t know her height. She’s a tall, strong single woman who isn’t shy to dance with a stranger. When handsome Joe succeeds to dance her feet right out of her high-heeled shoes, and gets her to agree to wear shorter heels on their next date, this red flag goes unnoticed.
Why not aim to please your date since there is a mutual attraction? Is the request of dressing a certain way to please the partner a matter of control? There are limits. Suggestions about what to wear can be very flattering, and a former boyfriend of mine liked the look of high-heeled boots when we went out. I once changed outfits twice before he was happy how I looked.
When He Tells You What to Wear, Watch Out
Innocent suggestions about what to wear initially can become second nature to a mate who wants you to conform to their world of expectations, and what they perceive looks good or makes them look or feel good about the couple image. We’ve heard of the mature man wanting to date the gorgeous trophy wife, but what if his trophy is a wife forced to dress down so no one will want her but him?
Clothes, shoes, the bags we carry, and even our hairstyles form our own individual style based on our own identities. When someone wants to change how you look, to suit their need to have control, watch out! What seems as a romantic request initially can be a signal for more demands later. Romantic suggestions that dictate how you look might be coercive in nature, so keep your heart free of chains this Valentine’s Day!